


Deadpool Kills Twilight

by Flakingnapstich



Category: Blade - All Media Types, Deadpool (Comics), Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: "But I got Better", 100 characters? TWEETS get 140. How can I brag about my exploits as a mercenary in a stingy 100 cha, Blink and you Miss it Sun Wukong (MONKEY!) cameo, Boston Common, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Evil Overlord List Refernce(s), Going with the second choice because they guy you really need is off world, Insanity, Major Character Injury, Mind Reading gone Horribly Wrong, Minor Original Character(s), Minor original character based on Mystery Scince Theater 3000 Reference, Sarcasm, Temporary decapitation of an immortal as slapstick, The Life of Riley Reference, Vampire Slayer(s), Where are my yellow boxes?, minor character incontinence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2017-12-31 20:24:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1036013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flakingnapstich/pseuds/Flakingnapstich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sparkly vampires are normally harmless. Some of them even get hunting licenses to go after deer and wild boars. Recently however, they’ve been killing humans. This puts them in Blade’s sights. The problem is, silver doesn't burn them, sunlight doesn’t kill them. Blade, much to his chagrin, needs some backup from someone used to killing enemies who have to be ground down with brute force. To make matters worse, lab tests have only found two sufficiently brutal heroes who would be immune to the sparkly vampire venom. Wolverine is off planet. That leaves Blade turning to, God help him, Deadpool.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blade hires Deadpool

“I , dear Reader, am The Watcher! Well, not THE Watcher, but I am A watcher, specifically the one chosen to replace the one whose task it was to watch all the Deadpools across all universes. Since most of them are dead now, my job is going to be pretty easy.”

“Hey! Chrome Dome! This is MY story, and you of all people should know I’m perfectly capable of telling my own story. I just need to figure out how to get little yellow boxes to pop up on this web site...”

“Very well, I will make like Digby O’Dell, the Friendly Undertaker, and be-”

“Oh no you don’t. You are NOT making an obscure cultural reference to the audience in MY story. That’s MY job, so you'd better be,”

Together they said, “Shoveling off.”

With that the new Deadpool Watcher, (WatcherPool?) vanished in a puff of cosmic energy. Deadpool noted that the cloud looked sorta like Silver Surver doing a cannonball into the Jaws ride at Universal Studios.

It was a lovely day, and Deadpool was grumpy. He was sitting in a pond on Boston Common, having just sunk a Swan Boat during an effort to steal a size changing Yew Bow from Taskmaster. The fight had been going well, until a monkey, a stone monkey of all things, with a golden headband swooped in, chittered , “That’s mine!” snagged the staff and darted off. Taskmaster and Deadpool were now staring at each other, sodden and defeated.

“It’s just as well,“ Taskmaster moaned.

“Moping does not suit a man who looks like Skeletor raided Liberace's Closet,” Deadpool said.

“I stole the staff from that Monkey.”

“Eh, Finder’s Keepers.”

“It was heavy too.”

Deadpool thought a moment. “It was, wasn’t it? How were you going to use it anyway?”

“I thought I’d figure something out. It changes size for the wielder, I thought it would change weight too.”

“Kinda like The Ant?”

“Something like that.”

“But it doesn’t.”

Taskmaster sighed again. “You’d need to be the Hulk to swing that staff.”

Deadpool stood, water dripping from his teleporter. “Well, normally I’d hang out and make juvenile jokes about a size changing staff used by a freaky stone monkey, but defeat is making you REALLY emo today. I prefer when you get pissed and try to kill me.”

“It was just a bad plan from the beginning, and I’m not USED to making mistakes.”

“At least not that many at once.”

“Hey!”

“Well, you have picked fights with me, more than once.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Deadpool tapped his teleporter, but instead of taking him home, it just played an audio clip of splashing water.

“What was that?” Taskmaster asked, also rising.

“Oh, that’s my ‘Too damn wet to teleport, please dry me out’ ringtone.”

They both sloshed to the shore and went their separate ways. Deadpool was unsurprised to see a group of cops waiting to take him into custody. He flashed his S.H.I.E.L.D. badge, hoping no one would bother to check to see if he WAS an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. at the moment (He wasn’t) and to his delight, the police waved him on.

Taskmaster had to fight his way out, a task cut abruptly short when he kicked a civilian who turned out to be Bruce Banner. Fortunately, The Hulk calmed down after beating up Taskmaster with the sunken Swan Boat.

“Why is that guy ALWAYS around at the worst possible moment?” Muttered Deadpool. “Isn’t he supposed to be working at Stark Tower in New York?”

Deadpool slumped along, ignoring the pointing, staring and even screaming from the civilians.

“How DO all those big city superheroes find quiet corners for self-reflection anyway?”

A voice behind Deadpool answered him, “They tend to stick to cities they KNOW.” it said.

Deadpool spun around to confront the speaker. He was a tall, athletic black man with close cropped hair and sunglasses. The speaker smiled, revealing two unusually large and pointy canine teeth.

“Oh, it’s just you,” said Deadpool.

“Excuse me?” The smile was gone.

“Oh, I mean, ‘Hi Blade, King of the Vampire Hunters.’ I didn't mean any disrespect, but our jobs don’t really overlap. I’m not a vampire, so I know you aren’t going to try to kill me, I don’t KNOW any vampire-”

“Our jobs intersect today.”

“First, that depends on your pocketbook, and second, I never discuss business on public streets, or on an empty stomach.”

Blade smiled again. “I know a great Mexican place a few blocks from here.”

Deadpool put his arm over Blade’s shoulder and said, “I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!”

Blade, accustomed to being drenched in things far worse than Boston pond water, shook his head and walked on.

20 minutes later they were in a private booth, Deadpool confronting a massive Chimichanga.

“Right,” Blade said. “Down to business.”

“Im wisfewening,” Deadpool said through a mouthful of food.

“How many types of vampires do you think there are?”

Wade, his mouth still full, pointed at Blade, mimed walking feet with his hands, and then mimed the walking feet exploding. He then held up three fingers.

“Wrong,” Blade said.

Deadpool snapped his fingers in mock disappointment before taking another bite.

“Some vampires die when you put a stake in their heart. Some are just paralyzed until you take the steak out. Some burst into flame in sunlight, some get sick, others just can’t shape shift in sunlight.”

Deadpool was leaning forward, his hands folded in front of him in a pose of exaggerated attention, still chewing a mouthful of food. He swallowed and said, “So where do I come in?”

Blade took a deep breath.

“You don’t like what you’re about to say,” Deadpool said. “You’re about to tell me why you’re coming to ME for help, aren’t you? Is it my stunning good looks? My exemplary battle technique? Do you need my razor sharp wit to liven up your nightly quests to dispatch the creatures of the night?”

Blade’s eyes narrowed. “You have a healing factor, you’re used to killing enemies who need to be ground down with brute force and muscle, you do more work involving taking prisoners, and-” Blade hesitated.

Deadpool leaned forward. “And?” he said expectantly.

“Lab tests suggest you’re immune to the venom these vampires use to turn people. You won’t turn into one if one bleeds on an open wound.”

“Cool! How much is the pay and who else is on the team! I haven't killed any vampires since issue-”

“It’s just us,” Blade said through gritted teeth. “Wolverine was the other contender, but he’s not on the planet right now.”

“Score!” Deadpool shouted, raising his arms in the air. He then lowered them again, his face fallen, “Wait, I was your second choice, wasn’t I?”

Blade answered with a steely glare.

“Right,” Deadpool said. “There’s one problem. Payment.”

“We’re being paid by a vampire.”

“Wait, what?”

Blade smiled. “Deadpool speechless? Allow me to relish the half second that’ll last.”

Deadpool took another bite of his Chimichanga. “I mean thif bife ironically,” he said through the mouthful of food.

Blade continued. “Some vampires can feed on animals. This group is super strong, super fast, has a healing factor almost as good as yours, and they sparkle.”

Deadpool swallowed and said, “Wait, we’re going after the sparkly vampires?”

“Yes.”

“They guys who play baseball in thunderstorms thinking they're hiding?”

“Yes.”

“The idiots who rarely seem to get to 200 because they keep being killed by lightning while playing baseball?”

“Their adoption to aluminum bats has greatly reduced their numbers in recent years, yes, but a splinter group has started killing humans instead of deer and wild boar.”

“I get it,” Deadpool said. “And the ones who aren’t killing people want the best of the best to take out the ‘lonely ones’ feeding on poor helpless damsels, turning them into bloodthirsty killing machines who eat their charges and attack amusement parks!”

“One of them thinks his wife and daughter have been kidnapped, so he wants me to kill the renegades and rescue his family.”

Deadpool was getting excited, “Ohhh! I get to be the good guy in this adventure! Golly gee! That’s co- Oh, wait, we’re in Boston, That’s Wicked Pissa Awesome!”

“Coming from anyone else I’d think that was sarcasm.”

“So what’s he paying?”

Blade told him the up-front and delivery fees.

Deadpool sat back and said, “This day is just getting better and better.”

He lazily took a sip of his ginger ale and then asked, “So why do you want a partner on this one anyway?”

“I need someone tough enough to take a beating while kidnapping two adult vampires who are probably going to resist. I don’t think they were kidnapped, I think they’re part of the killing party.”

“Wait, hold up, time out, flag on the play! Being paid to rescue vampires who are killing people? This is NOT the Blade I’ve heard about. What gives? If you’re that hard up for cash I could get you some more honest work through Hell House.”

“I’m trying to stop a Vampire war,” Blade said. “They can smell when another vampire has been feeding on humans, so if I bring Cullen his wife and daughter, he’ll know right away they were part of it. If they just get killed, there’ll be a war between two clans. If they get caught having broken the rules against feeding on humans, they’ll be executed by their own kind, and there won’t be any blood feud.”

“Hur, hur, hur. Vampires. Blood Feud.”

Blade rested his forehead in his hands. “This is going to be painful.”


	2. In Which our hero and his watcher have a buddy movie interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deadpool and Watcherpool 2.0 have an argument

"Behold! I am the Watcher tasked with observing all Deadpools across all realities!"

"Didn't we go through this last issue?"

"Yes Wade Wilson, we did, and you proceeded to let an anonymous third person omniscient narrator take over."

"Well, that's how I roll. Just because I CAN smash the fourth wall like the unholy offspring of the Hulk and the Kool-Aid Man doesn't mean I HAVE to. Besides, I need to stay unpredictable. That's how I keep beating Taskmaster."

"Yes, I heard about that combat ballet incident."

"You know, I think I preferred the old Watcherpool."

"Don't call me that."

"How'd you get this gig anyway?"

"I was previously tasked with watching all Night Owls across all realities."

"What, people who can't sleep?"

"No, the vigilante."

"So what happened?"

"The last one died."

"Bummer."

"I was available, and The Deadpool watcher had just died."

"And you were next in the rotation?"

"To my unending misery, yes."

"Buck up kiddo, I'm a laugh a minute."

"I console myself with the knowledge that there are only a few Deadpools left and your lifestyle redefines 'high risk.'"

"Well, at least I know you won't be interfering."

"Not to save you anyway."

"Now that we've got that creepy bonding moment out if the way, I'll try to forget your malevolent grin and resume programming my teleporter for a jump to Italy."

"Why are you going there?"

"If you did more watching and less talking, you'd know before I can be Blade's partner I need approval from the Sparkly Vampire Royalty / Global Police.. They're sort of Paris Hilton and Barney Fife all wrapped up in one, and they're one of the sides that would be fighting the war if one started."

"I hope they eat you."

"You know, you get really pissy when you don't get to narrate."


	3. The Italian Job

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blade and Deadpool go to Italy to get the blessing of the The Volturi for political reason that interest neither of them. As expected when Deadpool interacts with Vampires, there is blood.

Blade and Deadpool appeared in an electric miasma. They stood on a hill in Volterra, Tuscany. A luxurious estate was visible in the distance.

“I could get used to traveling like that,” Blade said.

“Oh! Are you looking for a sidekick?” Deadpool replied.

“No,” Blade said. He continued, “Good choice on the distance. We should be outside their parmiter, so they won’t know how we arrived, or that we can leave the same way. Edward Cullen has already negotiated with The Volturi. This meeting is just so they can rubber-stamp your involvement.”

“You really hate working with vampires, don’t you?”

Blade gritted his teeth. “You have NO idea."

"Never goes well?"

"It always goes badly. So far it usually ends worse for the vampires than it does for me."

"That's a silver lining."

"No wherewolf jokes."

"Oh! You wound me Blade!"

"Don't tempt me."

They started down the hill towards the estate. “You’re pretty cagey about meeting these guys. Afraid they’ll try to kill us?”

“They’re vegetarian, for the moment, but that just means they probably won’t try to eat us now."

“Vegetarian vampires? Vegan bloodsuckers? What do they live on, an ample supply of Italian grown tomato juice?”

“Sparkly vampires use ‘vegetarian’ to describe someone who only drinks animal blood, not human.”

“And they do this consistently?”

Blade answered “Yes," before he realized Deadpool was setting up a joke.

“They keep using that word. I do not think it means what they think it means.”

Blade stopped and closed his eyes. He was repeatedly muttering something to himself that sounded like “I will not kill the merc.”

“In all the talk about vampire taxonomy and my paycheck, I never asked WHY you care about stopping a war between vampire clans.”

“Collateral damage. Fighting vampires need blood to heal. While a lot of these guys have slaughtered thousands in their lifetime, they’re not killing people now, and the longer I can keep that stable the fewer people die.”

“You figure the vegetarians will want a big slab of long pig blood sausage if the fur starts flying?”

“Werewolves aren’t involved yet, but the daughter, Renesmee, is married to one. His name’s Jacob Black. He’s missing too, but our employer, Edward Cullen, isn’t concerned.”

“He doesn't approve of a mixed-monster marriage?”

“He thinks he’s already dead. They found a severed paw and a LOT of blood when Bella and Renesmee disappeared.”

“Damn, and here I was with a ‘Forbidden Love’ speech all ready to go.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.”

“No you’re not.”

Blade just smiled.

It took half an hour to reach the estate parmiter. The moment they did Blade could smell the guards watching him. This kind of vampire smelled different, like a vampire covered in rock dust. He suspected this was an artifact of their transformation. Their bodies weren’t enhanced the way other kinds of vampires were. Instead of strengthened muscles and sinew, they were crystalline. They were less vampire and more Earth elemental that fed on blood. It’s why they sparkled in direct sunlight and why they tended to look so pretty. In everything brighter than dim light, there were endless refractions that softened their appearance, smoothing out the imperfections. The effect was similar to pulling a stocking over a camera lens before filming a starlet. The reduced resolution smoothed them out and made them glow ever so slightly, as if they were being Photoshopped in real time. An optic glamour. Touch them with your hand though, and they were cold as rock and as ugly as day they were turned.

The estate was covered in olive trees. They were planted a bit more thickly than best for agriculture, but we're well positioned to limit visibility.  "We have an appointment with Marcus of the The Volturi,” Blade yelled into the trees.

"Hold your ground." Came the reply.

"They're patrolling in groups of three," Blade said.

"And there's at least two payrolls nearby," Deadpool replied. "They sound like elephants when they move. How fat are these guys anyway?"

"Not fat, stone boned."

"Yeah, that's what Mary Sue said back when in fourth gra- Wait, did you say 'stone?'"

Blade briefly explained their physiology while they waited.

As he spoke one of the vampires stepped into view and said, "We can hear every word you know."

Deadpool and Blade both stopped to look at the vampire.

“That one’s kinda chunky” Deadpool said.”

The vampire squared off and glared at Deadpool. “I’m faster than you, stronger than you-”

“And Gosh darn it, people like you!” Deadpool interrupted.

The vampire lunged, grappling Deadpool easily and breaking Deadpool’s left arm. Deadpool yelled, poked the vampire in the eye and flipped him, stabbing him in the back as he did so. The landing drove the knife blade into the vampire’s heart, stunning him momentarily.

Deadpool stepped back and used his right arm to give the left a good tug, setting the bone so his healing factor could take care of the rest.

Blade spoke, “We didn’t come here to fight,” he said.

“Yeah!” Deadpool replied “We come in peace!” He was holding a gun, which was aimed at the vampire. “And I shoot to kill.”

The vampire chuckled, reached towards his back and pulled the knife. “I drew first blood.”

“Funny, but I’m not the one bleeding.”

The vampire threw the knife at Deadpool, and Deadpool caught it.

“Impressive,” said the vampire.

“Not really. I’d say you throw like a girl, but I’ve fought Electra. You throw like M.O.D.O.K. You ever see his arms?”

The vampire roared with rage and leapt to his feet, impaling himself on a sword he hadn’t seen Deadpool unsheath. He tried to speak, but the sword was in his neck.

Blade calmly put his hand on the vampire's shoulder. “You’re faster, stronger and a fucking amateur compared to either of us. I’ll bet most your kills have been ordinary humans, right?”

“He’s trying to talk, should I take out the sword?”

“Let’s try that.”

“Blade pulled out the sword and the vampire clutched his throat. For most people the sound would be a death rattle, but for the vampire it was merely painful. In a few moments he spat out some gore and said, “I’ve never turned on my own kind.”

“Yep, a newbie,” Deadpool said.

Blade whispered, “I’ve killed more vampires than EXIST in your entire subspecies, and my sidekick here has gone up against the Hulk.”

“I can take the Hulk,” said the vampire.

Peals of laughter erupted from the woods. Four vampires emerged from the trees, two of them laughing so hard they were doubled over clutching their stomachs.

“Come, Blade, come with us, we’ll take you to your audience,” one of them said between bouts of laughter, “I think recounting this little scuffle will start things off on a light tone, especially the part about fighting the Hulk.”

Deadpool spoke, “Yeah, Pincushion vs Hulk. It’ll be the opening fight for Godzilla vs Bambi.”

The other vampires erupted in a fresh bout of laughter. “Pincushion!” one of them said, “I LIKE that one!”

The sprawling home of the Volturi consisted of several mansions that had been connected by walkways and smaller mansions built between them. Interior passages often transitioned into what was obviously an expansive, elaborate exterior entrance that had been enclosed. Deadpool continued a running commentary of the artwork and architecture they passed. Pincushion was growing visibly more irritated while the other vampires were chuckling.

“I feel we have a docent from the Satellite of Love,” one of them said.

“A pop culture reference younger than the Renaissance! Astounding!” Deadpool replied. “Do you have cable?”

“Netflix and an extensive DVD collection” the jolly vampire replied. “Believe it or not, my name is Mike Nelson.”

Deadpool and Nelson shared a laugh.

“Do you have any idea what they're talking about?” Pincushion asked Blade.

Blade glared back and growled subtly. Pincushion quickened his steps to catch up with the vampire in the lead.

When they passed the fifth grand entrance, Deadpool commented, “I like the tour and all, and it’s really nice of you to make sure I know so much about your compound's layout, but could we cut to the chase and just use the ‘S’ shape passage that goes straight from the fifteenth century villa to the throne room?”

The group stopped, and all the vampires turned to Deadpool. “How much do you know about us? Who have you talked to?” Nelson asked.

“He’s just paying attention,” Blade said. “This place was built more for grandeur than secrets.”

Pincushion squared off again. “We should kill them both,” he said.

“Follow me,” Nelson said. He turned and lead them to the serpentine corridor Deadpool had referred to. The gateways on this passage were less ornate than the ones they’d been passing through. They were more practical, steel and concrete that had been guilded, painted and plastered in an emulation of the older styles elsewhere in the compound. It was clear at some point in the last few decades, the compound had undergone a major retrofit to add successive layers of security.

Observing the architecture, Deadpool asked “Axis or Allies?”

“Axis,” said Pincushion, followed by “Wait, what are you, why are you asking that?”

“Those bunker additions look a lot like vintage Hydra. I figured they were done during World War Two, and I figured that meant you picked a side in the war.”

“And you think we were the villains?”

“The Villa Villains? Nah. I never heard of your kind of vampire cropping up in Hydra or Axis ranks. You just entrenched. I doubt you even cared about the war.”

“I cared,” Pincushion said. “Some of us died in that war.”

“Are we there yet?” Deadpool said in a mock whine. His question was prompted by their having reached a large, closed, imposing door.

Nelson lifted the metal hoop of a massive knocker and dropped it. The sound reverberated through the door.

“What Knockers!” Deadpool said.

“There’s only one,” Pincushion replied.

“Culturally ignorant philistine,” Deadpool replied.

The doors began to slide open just as Pincushion attacked Deadpool. This time the Merc with a Mouth was ready, and had already stepped back and drawn his swords before Pincushion had lunged towards him. The first view the Court Vampires inside got of the battle was of their vampire impaled on both of Deadpool’s swords, one of them in a very indecent, and embarrassing manner. Deadpool spun his opponent around and pulled out both swords. Pincushion screamed in agony as the blades were withdrawn, causing more damage as they exited.

The court inside the chamber watched the brief battle with interest, but did not interfere. A vampire with long hair, a high forehead and a pointed nose said, “This Dhampir is formidable.”

Blade walked casually past the battle and approached the speaker.

“I’m the Dhampir. That one,“ He pointed behind him at the battle between Deadpool and Pincushion, “is the human mercenary.”

“I am Caius,” said the vampire with a high forehead. He offered his hand. Blade ignored the gesture. “Of course,” Caius said. “You’d rather kill us all, but you are an agent of the Cullen clan now. Killing us would start the war we all want to avoid.”

“Call off your pup,” Blade said.

“Alec!” Caius barked. “Stand down!”

Pincushion didn’t so much stand down, as fall down. He was covered in cuts and gouges. Deadpool was unscathed.

The largest of the court vampires walked forward. He was waxy in appearance, his long hair wavy instead of straight. “So you are Blade,” he said, “The ‘Daywalker.’” He chuckled. “I’m amazed such fragile vampires as the ones you hunt still exist.”

“Which one are you?” Blade said.

The waxy vampire extended his hand and smiled, not speaking.

Neither spoke.

The waxy vampire walked towards Deadpool, who had finished wiping the blood from his swords and sheathing them. He held out his hand to Deadpool. “It is a pleasure to meet such a formidable man. Alec has not met his match in quite some time.”

Blade drew his sword. “Don’t shake his hand Wilson,” he said, “That one’s Aro. He’ll read your mind the moment you touch him.”

Aro faced blade but kept his hand out to Deadpool. “But that’s the test he came here to face,” he said, ”We must test him to see if we will let him assist you, or simply kill him here.” With that, Aro punched Deadpool.

Deadpool stepped back, his swords drawn again, “Was that supposed to hurt?”

“No,” said Blade. “It was just so he could touch you.”

“Creeeeeeeepy. Does he always go into that weird trance after shoving an unsolicited finger in someone's brainpan?”

All eyes turned to Aro. He was staring, slack jawed, pointing at Deadpool.

“Arooooooo?” Deadpool asked, impersonating a dog howl.

There was the sound of tinkling water and everyone noticed a yellow pool spreading from  beneath Aro’s robes.

Deadpool spoke, “Now I know you guys go commando under those holocaust cloaks. I wish I’d learned that from one of the lady vampires instead, if you know what I mean.”

Another court vampire approached the petrified and now incontinent vampire. “Aro, it’s me, Marcus. What have you seen?”

Aro fell to his knees, still pointing at Deadpool.

“That's one way to mop up the mess,” Deadpool said.

“I tried to warn you,” Blade said. “He read Wade Wilson’s mind.”

“Shhh! Secret identity!”

“They made a MOVIE about you,” Blade replied. “It’s not a secret.”

“Oh, right.” Deadpool thought a moment and asked “Does that Aro guy know ALL my secrets now?”

“Every last one,” Blade said.

Deadpool looked down at the vampire, a trace of pity visible through his mask. “I, I kinda feel sorry for the guy, and not just because he can’t throw a punch.”

“What did you DO to him!” screamed Caius.

Deadpool faced Caius. ”Dude, your dude stuck his mind in my mind, He’s lucky he only lost bladder contr-- OK, from that sound and smell he lost bowel control too, but he brought this on himself. It’s like ‘Evil Overlord’ basics. Never consume an energy field bigger than your own head, and never read a crazy person’s mind.”

Aro whimpered and collapsed face first onto the ground.

“Just think about Typhoid Mary,” Deadpool said, “That was one of the calmer periods of my life.”

Aro shrieked.

“I guess he thought about Typhoid Mary,” Deadpool said offhandedly. He turned towards the court vampires. “Do I get the job?”

Alec/Pincushion tried to tackle Deadpool from behind, but Deadpool ducked slightly and used Pincushion’s own momentum to redirect him over the heads of the court vampires, smashing  him into a collection of thrones set up towards the back of the room.

Nelson sighed heavily and raised a hand to his forehead.

The court Vampires gathered in a circle, speaking quickly and animatedly in Italian. The guards who has escorted Blade and Deadpool began the work of extracting Pincushion from the tangle of broken thrones. After a few minutes Deadpool said, “First, I know Italian. Second, there’s no need to bring my mother into this. Third, the longer we delay, the more people the renegades kill. You may not care about that, but I do.”

“You’re right, we don’t care,” Marcus said.

Blade spoke, facing the vampires. “They regenerate at less than half the speed you do Wilson. You have to get old school to kill them, lop off the head. Burn the head. As long as it’s intact it can reattach to the body. It’ll start growing a new body after an hour or so.”

“Can the body grow a new head?”

“No.”

“Kinda half-assed with their regenerations then, aren’t they?”

“Compared to you, yes.”

Marcus spoke, nearly screaming, his voice quivering with rage, “How DARE you speak like that in our presence!”

Blade replied, “I’m getting sick of you. I can smell the recent kills on half of you. You’re about as vegetarian as a Burger King convention. You have two choices. Approve Deadpool’s involvement and avoid a war, or deny it and die.”

Marcus spoke, “The  two of you have no bond. He cares not for you, nor you for him.”

“He was paid up front,” Blade said. “That’s all the ‘bond’ we need.”

“You see,” said Deadpool, “I’m a mercenary, and if I don’t finish my jobs, it hurts my repp, and makes it harder to get MORE jobs. A vicious cycle would ensue, and I’d end up a crossing guard, and I’m TERRIBLE with kids.”

“Let them go,” Aro whimpered from the floor.

“I killed a thousand men in one battle!” screamed Caius. “These are but TWO!” With that Caius lunged at Blade. Blade however, being part vampire himself, was a match for the fastest of them. In a blur not even the vampires could see the headless body of Caius lay sprawled on the floor, the head suspended by the hair in Blade’s hand.

“And now the Quickening!” Deadpool yelled. He began chanting “Bluh-Ade! Bluh-Ade! Bluh-Ade!”

Marcus spoke slowly and carefully, his voice straining from effort to control himself. “Restore the head to the body, and you both can go with our blessing.”

Blade tossed the head at the body. It stopped rolling a few inches from the severed neck. The  pool of gushing blood raised and pulsed, tentacle like tendrils rising from the gore to draw the head back to the body. It was healing.

Blade wiped his sword on the edge of Caius’s cloak. He walked over to Deadpool.

“Destination two all set to go,” Said Deadpool.

“Energize,” said Blade.

“Now that,“ Said Deadpool, activating the teleporter, “Was a nice stab at a joke.”

As the duo were engulfed in an electric miasma, Pincushion leapt for them. When the miasma cleared, Pincushion’s legs and hips were still in Italy. The rest of him was in the United States Rocky Mountains, where Blade and Deadpool had gone to pick up the trail of the renegade vampires.


End file.
